Many of my clients seem to have a hard time understanding the concept of self-compassion and not mixing it up with self-pity, which they describe a self-defeating and highly unpleasant state of mind. Interestingly, those clients are usually very successful and competitive professionals who have sacrificed a lot to get where they are in life. To them, the idea of exercising compassion towards weak and vulnerable aspects of their selves feels like an attempt to find excuses for own mistakes and shortcomings. This blog post will explain why self-compassion is very different from self-pity and how it can become an inexhaustible resource for confidence and consolation during difficult times.
Self-compassion: the most important relationship in your life
Self-compassion is a powerful mental resource that is very different from self-pity. In fact, when we experience self-pity, we may resent life for unnecessarily burdening us with suffering. And we may feel regretful or even despise us for being weak and whiny. When exercising self-compassion, however, we embrace life, accept our own vulnerability and feel empathetic toward our own struggles. The experience of “indulging in self-pity” kicks in when we spend more time and energy on complaining about what we don’t get from life, instead of focusing on what we have been given.
It is easy to feel compassionate with a loved one, who suffers. It is difficult to be compassionate with ourselves. Especially when constantly narrating that our problems are our own very fault in the end. Taking responsibility and learning from mistakes does not need self-blame. Nor does it help to be angry towards oneself. Self-blame undermines our self-esteem and builds grudges that we hold against us. Self-compassion, on the contrary, is a reminder to be gentle with ourselves in face of adversity and that crisis always comes with chance. Self-compassion allows us to embrace our absolutely adorable inner child that wants nothing more or less than to love and be loved; to feel safe and secure; to explore the world with curiosity; to experience pleasure and to avoid pain. Just like any other human creature on earth.
And here is the reason, why self-compassion is key to escaping the rat race
We grow up with the idea that good education and job opportunities are scarce and highly contested resources. Gold mines that only the fittest can exploit. We feel pressured to get the best education and to prove ourselves worthy from kindergarten to university. When we make it to college and later pursue our careers, competition does not become less. In fact, we continue to compete for grades, reputation, connections and opportunities. If we play it hard, we may come to believe that only the fittest of the fittest will survive in the end as this Chinese prover suggests:
适者生存
Since nothing is 100% safe and predictable, we have to do more and more to maximize gain and minimize loss. The higher we climb up the ladder, the more we achieve, and the more we gain social status and reputation, the more we can lose! The irony is, instead of feeling more secure, we feel increasingly insecure. Because the more we have, the more becomes at stake. This leads to the fact that, despite of our achievements, we hardly leave the “self-preservation mode” and rarely enter the “fulfilling-our-human-potential-mode”. Check Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and explore the wisdom of humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers and others.
The good news is: Self-compassion can help us to switch from a self-preservation mindset to a self-actualization mindset, from sense of external scarcity to awareness of internal abundance. The self-growth mindset is not concerned about gaining or losing wealth, money and status. On the contrary, empowered by unconditional self-love, this humanistic mindset accepts adversity as opportunity to exercise self-love and self-compassion, to reconnect with common humanity, to embrace our vulnerable inner child, to reassure us that we are lovable and dignified human beings, even and especially when life is taking a toll on us.
Self-compassion is an abundant inner resource, a deep mental well that, on the contrary to will-power, cannot get depleted. It enables you to take yourself by your own hands, to be kind to yourself, to lean into your difficult emotions and not away from them. Self-compassion is key to remaining in a positive and constructive relationship with oneself especially during difficult times when the waves of life are crushing down on you. Self-compassion allows us to surf those waves and, slowly but surely, pivot towards what really matters mentally: Being ok with life as it is and with oneself as beautiful part of it.
Self-compassion in a nutshell
- Self-compassion refers to being kind and understanding towards oneself, especially in times of suffering, failure, or personal shortcomings. It involves treating oneself with the same warmth, kindness, and understanding that one would offer to a friend in a similar situation.
- Self-compassion involves three key components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
- Self-kindness involves treating oneself with understanding and compassion rather than unrelenting self-criticism or harsh judgment.
- Common humanity involves recognizing that one’s experiences of suffering, failure, or personal shortcomings are a universal part of the human experience and not unique to oneself.
- Mindfulness involves a non-judgmental awareness of one’s present-moment experience, rather than being overly focused on the past or future.
- Practicing self-compassion can lead to increased well-being, reduced stress and anxiety, improved mood more fulfilling relationships.
Oh, that’s interesting, but what can I do now?
The starting point for self-compassion is a kind and friendly turning to oneself as beautiful, perhaps sometimes fragile, but always absolutely adorable human being.
Try to picture yourself from a detached point of view and treat yourself with self-compassionate statements like the following:
(your name), you have sacrificed so much for your pursuit of success that sometimes you may feel sad about the things you have neglected or sacrificed. You have the right to feel sad about lost opportunities! You are human.
(your name), you have tried so hard to perform at school, university, and the work place. It is absolutely ok that you sometimes just want to take a break and disengage from all the competition! You deserve to take a step back and unwind.
(your name), sometimes you may encounter others that seem to have more advantages in life than you. You may feel envious, jealous, or even resentful. That is ok! It is not always easy to experience injustice and hardship and still wishing others the very best from the bottom of your heart. You are a human. It’s ok t have weaknesses.
What would be a good self-compassionate statement for you? Please feel invited to share your thoughts in the comment section below.