This post talks about how you can evaluate your own tendencies to feel inadequate and defected although you are absolutely great and lovable. It will take you inside the mind of a wonderful woman called Mary, who suffers from the imposter syndrome. I will explain, how she became oblivious of herself being a truly adorable person, who only has one real “flaw”: Not getting, how perfect she actually is.
Have a look at following statements:
- I tend to devalue my positive qualities
- I am unworthy of love because I feel inherently flawed and defective
- I tend to hide the real me
- I have secrets that I do not want to share, even with the people closest to me
- I constantly fear that my fault will be exposed
Did any of those statements made you think: Yes, this could be me? If so, then there is a good chance that in your childhood or youth you were exposed to others, who made you feel like that:
- Devalued and ashamed by derogatory remarks about your appearance or personality.
- Exposed to unrelentingly high and harsh standards, that were almost impossible to meet.
- Compared with others, who were portrayed as prettier, smarter, stronger, more manly or feminine – or whatever qualities you were nagged you about.
As a consequence, you may have developed a mental schema, that I want to refer to as the “defectiveness life trap”.
The emotion that is most connected to the defectiveness life trap is shame. Shame is what you feel when your perceived defects, flaws or insufficiencies are being exposed to others who may judge you. If you suffer from this life trap, you will do almost anything to avoid this painful feeling of shame. Consequently, you go to great lengths to keep your real or imagined defectiveness hidden. The defectiveness life trap is not obvious though. Although it is one of most common life traps, it is really hard to detect in others. Because your real or imagined defect is internal and unseen you cannot easily share or unburden yourself from the terror of being exposed.
I would like to take you now inside the mind of Mary. Mary is not only super artistic and creative, she is a loving mother of two children and a successful business woman who earns more money than her husband. In addition, many would say Mary is a good-looking woman and that she has with a taste for fashion and interior design. Mary almost appears perfect to everyone who knows her. In fact, Mary has many admirers, who adore her for her many qualities. However, what nobody knows is that, deep inside, she feels everything else than perfect. She feels, she doesn’t deserve the praise she gets may it be in her private or professional life. When Mary goes shopping for cloths, she prefers brands that make her look thinner than she is. Visitors make her stressed, because, she is afraid, her guests may not feel comfortable enough in her home. At work, she prefers the second row and doesn’t like to get too much attention from her supervisor, who “God forbid”, could find out she is completely overpaid for the mediocre performance she delivers. Although her colleagues and superiors absolutely respect her for her knowledge and skills, Mary feels like an imposter. She feels like someone who does not deserve to be respected and valued. Every success she has makes her feel even more afraid of being detected as a fraud. She is afraid of creating expectations that, in the end, she cannot meet. Mary is almost perfect, but still trapped in her own perceived defectiveness. That is the irony. And tragedy, if you really think about it.
Now, you may wonder about the origin of her defectiveness life trap. Well, guess what, yes, it has to do with her childhood experiences:
Hypercriticism: Her mom was extremely critical, demeaning or punitive toward to her. Mary was repeatedly criticized or punished for how she looked, how she behaved towards her brother.
Abuse: Sometimes, when her father could not control his anger towards her, he emotionally and physically abused her by calling her names and slapping her face.
Blame: If her younger brother, who she was supposed to take care of when parents were at work, didn’t behave well, Mary was blamed for all the things that went wrong.
Shame: Sometimes, she heard words like “you are worthless”, “you are good for nothing”. Mary felt rejected and unloved by both of her parents. There were many instances when her mother said “you have disappointed me”.
Comparison: In addition, Mary was repeatedly and unfavorably compared with her same-aged niece by her grandmother, who found her niece was a good girl. Unlike Mary who dared to express her own will and views.
Self-blame: Last but not least, when her mother decided to divorce from her violent father while Mary attended boarding school, she blamed herself for the divorce, because she was convinced, she should not have left home and leave her younger brother alone.
All those experiences together caused the development of the defectiveness life trap in her and made her feel like an imposter.
Imposter syndrome in a nutshell:
Impostor syndrome, also known as impostor phenomenon, refers to a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their accomplishments, have a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud,” and attribute their success to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities or efforts. Despite evidence of their competence and achievements, people experiencing impostor syndrome often feel like they don’t deserve their accomplishments and fear that others will eventually discover their perceived incompetence. This phenomenon can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and stress, impacting one’s self-esteem and overall well-being. Impostor syndrome commonly affects high-achieving individuals, including professionals, students, and artists, regardless of their actual competence or expertise in their respective fields.
In my next post, I will share with you, how this the defectiveness life trap and imposter syndrome can be overcome with the help of some powerful mental tools for building a realistic self-concepts and stable self-worth. Sty tuned and leave a comment below.